For flags and fireworks

Holiday Fun for the Whole Family

By Rick Horowitz

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry you couldn't be here for the Fourth of July, but I know it was important for you to be with Daddy in his hour of need. I have told him over and over again that a whole day of miniature golf isn't good for anyone, let alone someone in his condition, but you know Daddy! Send him my love, and make sure he doesn't pull the heating pad out of the wall when you're not looking.

We had Fourth of July anyway, of course -- Clayton says it's his favorite day of the whole year. Sissy and Kirby were here, and Cousin Monroe, and Aunt Inez and Uncle Vernon drove up from Nookburg with the kids. (Thad and Toby keep getting bigger -- you wouldn't recognize them, I swear it!)

Sissy brought her famous Red, White & Blue Loaf for breakfast. Maraschino cherries and blueberries, same as last year, only this year she used cream cheese instead of Crisco for the white, which everyone liked miles better. At least she learns from her mistakes -- not like some people we know!

After breakfast, we were just getting ready to go into town for the parade when Uncle Vernon came out of the upstairs bedroom wearing his Abraham Lincoln costume, the one he got in Illinois. The long coat, the stovepipe hat, everything.

"What's Abraham Lincoln got to do with the Fourth of July?" Cousin Monroe wanted to know, and Uncle Vernon said Abraham Lincoln was a Great American, and this being a Great American Holiday, why not?, which didn't convince Cousin Monroe any, but nobody wanted to argue about it, aside from everyone thinking that the real reason Uncle Vernon was wearing his Abraham Lincoln costume, stovepipe hat and all, was to cover up the bald spot.

So we finally got ourselves set up at Main and Crescent like always and had just gotten the grill fired up when the majorettes started down the street. Laura Lee Castor, Alma's oldest girl, was head majorette again. She's getting a little big for that uniform, if you ask me, and all the boys whooped and hollered when she went past, which isn't necessarily what you want at the front end of a patriotic event. She seemed to like it, though.

Then the band marched by with Patriotic Selections, including "Yankee Doodle Dandy" and "Tie a Yellow Ribbon." Then the floats -- "The Haney Brothers Salute the Founding Fathers" was first again -- with plastic eagles and flags and all five Haney boys on top of their latest car, waving to everybody like they owned the place (which they mostly do, I guess, especially when the new models come in).

Anyway, Luther Haney was waving and grinning and dressed like someone Revolutionary, and then he sees Uncle Vernon standing there, and he shouts out, "Hey Vernon, what's Abe Lincoln got to do with the Fourth of July?"

Uncle Vernon's busy roasting marshmallows, he doesn't hear him at first. So Luther tries again: "Hey Vernon, what's Abe Lincoln got to do with the Fourth of July?" This time, Uncle Vernon hears him and shouts right back, "You think you're so great, Luther Haney?" And Luther Haney shouts right back at him, "Hell, yes! I wrote the Declaration of Independence!"

So Uncle Vernon yells, "Declaration of Independence, my foot! You can't write your own name without help!" Which is true, but Luther Haney doesn't let much throw him off stride, not even on a float.

So then Luther Haney says, "I ain't so dumb that I'd wear a big black hat in the middle of the summer! You hiding something, Vernon?" And that just tore it. Poor Uncle Vernon knocked over two different lawn chairs trying to get to Luther. Which he managed to do -- the float had come to an absolute stop by then. They went at it pretty even for a minute or so, except that Luther outweighs Uncle Vernon by 40 pounds and had four brothers on board besides, so it was hardly a fair fight.

Except that when Uncle Vernon climbed aboard the float, he still had that marshmallow stick in his hand, loaded with a real live, on-fire marshmallow. Pretty soon, one of the Haney flags was on fire, too, and then all the rest of them. Luckily for everyone, the Volunteer Firemen had the very next float, so they were able to hose everyone down before anybody got hurt. But Sheriff Howell saw the whole thing, and as soon as the fire was out, he was up on the float putting Uncle Vernon in handcuffs!

"Flag burning's legal!" Uncle Vernon kept shouting. "Flag burning's legal!"

"That's so," Sheriff Howell allowed. "But disturbing the peace isn't."

So Uncle Vernon had to pay a fine and apologize to Luther Haney, and he also had to promise to replace all their flags before next year's parade. At least the eagles didn't melt.

My love to Daddy.