From the Vintage Archives:

The Urge to Merge Comes Mainly in a Surge

By Rick Horowitz

Let's see now: I guess the one that started it all was Chemical Bank and Manufacturers Hanover -- that was back in the summer of '91. I remember because your Aunt Tina had just had the twins, Manny and Hanny, and then when they announced the merger she was thinking maybe she should change their names, just for luck, you know. Chemi and Cal, I think she wanted, until we managed to talk her out of it.

A good thing, too, the way it turned out: If she'd changed those kids' names every time the banks changed theirs, your cousins would be even crazier than they are now.

The one after that -- it was just a couple of days later, I think -- was when C&S/Sovran and NCNB got together. NationsBank -- that's what they called it -- one word, no dashes or apostrophes or anything. That's how things were back then.

After that -- let's see, I think it was in '92 -- Security Fidelity merged with Fidelity Security and became High Fidelity. And then Fourth Mineral and Fifth Vegetable got together as Ninth Biological, and then they merged again right away with Mutual Moolah.

Anyhow, for a while people thought all these mergers were a pretty good idea. Of course, some branch offices were closed and some folks lost their jobs, but people mostly looked on the bright side. Banks weren't stuck in one state anymore the way they used to be -- they were spreading out, and that meant more competition for customers.

All of a sudden, banks were open at night and on weekends, so that people could actually do their banking when it was convenient. And the banks were offering all sorts of new services and charging less for them than the bank down the street ever did. It was almost like when your granddad was growing up, when the banks would give you an alarm clock or a toaster just for opening an account.

Like I said, it was great for a while, but then it started to happen: The bigger banks started driving the smaller banks out of business. The big guys could afford to offer more and charge less for things -- for a while, anyway -- and the small guys just couldn't keep up. So the big guys would merge with them -- buy them out, really -- and gradually there were fewer and fewer banks, and less and less competition.

It didn't take long before the biggest fish controlled almost everything -- and then they started swallowing each other! OmniTeller merged with BagsOCash. Federal Munificent merged with MegaLoot. And then they merged one more time, and the result was the biggest bank anybody had ever seen: First Gargantua.

First Gargantua ruled from coast to coast. I can even remember one of its old advertising slogans: "Of course we're your bank -- we're Gargantua." And that was pretty much true. In fact, by 2010 or so, First Gargantua was the only bank in the entire country.

Except for one: The Bank of Mel.

Mel Sr. was running things back then; Mel Jr.'s in charge now, and he's already got Mel the Third learning the business, just in case. Understand, it wasn't like First Gargantua had somehow overlooked the Bank of Mel; they knew perfectly well he was out here. And it wasn't like First Gargantua didn't want to merge with the Bank of Mel; Mel just wasn't interested.

And I can tell you, Mel Jr. doesn't like the idea any better than his father ever did. "People ought to have a bank that knows their names," he's always saying. Of course, it's pretty easy knowing the names of all the Bank of Mel's customers -- there aren't more than a few dozen, probably.

Meanwhile, First Gargantua keeps knocking on the door every year or two, trying to do this one last merger. I can't imagine it matters to them one way or the other, except for pride. Of course, it's mostly the same with the Bank yf Mel. They've been at it for a long time, they'd like to stay at it. But you never know.

They have to be running out of toasters.