Tonya. Nancy. Once upon a time...

Does This Tale Have Legs?

By Rick Horowitz

"So whatcha got for me this time, Harry?"

"You're gonna love it, Wayne! The studio's gonna love it!"

"So I'm listening -- pitch."

"OK, here goes: It's a sports thing --"

"Like that, whatsit, that basketball one? 'The Air Up There'? Good, we're doing good box office with sports movies."

"Better than that, Wayne -- it's skating."

"You mean like Rollerblades? I don't know, Harry, we can sell it maybe to kids, but we're looking for something more -- "

"It's ice skating, Wayne. Figure skating."

"'Cutting Edge,' sure -- I saw that. So what's your angle?"

"Better than 'Cutting Edge,' Wayne. This isn't just a boy-girl thing -- it's two girls."

"Watch it, Harry -- I don't think we're ready for -- "

"Not like that, Wayne! They're two figure skaters -- you know, rivals."

"I get it -- two spoiled rich kids in the fancy world of figure skating. So then what?"

"Better than that, Wayne. I have one of them definitely blue-collar. She likes drag racing, fights with her husband, that kind of stuff. I've got this great scene -- she's still a kid back then, see? -- and she and her mom are picking up empty pop bottles to pay for her skating lessons."

"'Rich girl, poor girl' -- I like it!"

"I make the other one blue-collar, too, Wayne. This one's father has to take out a second mortgage on the house to pay for her lessons. And her mom -- her mom's almost blind, she can barely see the kid when she's out on the ice."

"Nice touch, Harry -- not a dry eye in the place. They lookers?"

"But real different. Pop Bottle's a blonde, chunky -- she goes for the real athletic stuff. Second Mortgage is a brunette, tall -- she goes for the elegant."

"And they learn that under the skin, they're really just the same, right? I like it!"

"They're oil and water, Wayne. Plus they've got these fan clubs -- you know what they're like -- building it up into some big personal thing. Plus the national championships are coming up, and they both want to be: Number One."

"I get it -- a showdown! 'High Noon' on ice!"

"Better than that, Wayne. The way I do it, Second Mortgage is practicing real hard for the championships, and she's leaving the ice one afternoon and some guy comes running out of the shadows and bashes her on the knee with a club."

"A stalker movie, Harry? You're pitching a stalker movie? I thought you said it's about the girls!"

"It is, Wayne -- it is! See, Second Mortgage wants to skate anyhow, but she's just too banged up to do it."

"So Pop Bottle drops out, too, because it wouldn't be -- "

"No way. Pop Bottle stays in and wins, and that puts her on the Olympic team."

"Olympics? Why didn't you say so? 'Chariots of Fire.' 'Cool Runnings.' You see that thing? Jamaican bobsledders?"

"And Second Mortgage, even though she misses the championships, they bend the rules and put her on the Olympic team, too."

"So now we get the showdown -- 'High Noon' on Olympic ice! Harry, you're brilliant! So who wins?"

"Better than that, Wayne. The way I do it, that attack on Second Mortgage isn't just some crazy. It's a conspiracy!"

"What are you saying, Harry? Mobsters? The mob is betting on figure skating?"

"The husband, Wayne! Pop Bottle's husband! I've got Pop Bottle's husband and her bodyguard behind it all. They want to make sure Pop Bottle wins the gold, so they arrange to have some hit man -- "

"Out!"

"What?"

"Out!!"

"But I thought you liked it!"

"You expect anyone to swallow a story like that? Come back when you've got something believable!"