By Popular Demand...
On the Backs of the Jedi -- It's Lloyd!

By Rick Horowitz

A well-placed friend has seen slides, weeks in advance. She says they're wonderful. The photography is tremendous, she says. The locales are striking. And they've got some great new creatures.

She can't wait for the movie to open, she says. She'll have to -- but not for long.

It's that time again. The next installment in the "Star Wars" saga -- "Return of the Jedi" -- arrives at theaters near you (near me, near everybody) the last week in May. Pretty soon: new thrills and spills, new adventures. Pretty soon: new toys, new dolls, new video games. You mark my words: Somebody's gonna make a lot of money on this movie.

Why not me?

It was the part about the "great new creatures" that got me thinking. When "Star Wars" itself first hit the silver screen, R2-D2 and C-3PO -- the Sheetmetal Workers' Men of the Year -- were the big sellers. Those two, and that more-or-less ape, Chewbacca. Last time out, in "The Empire Strikes Back," it was Yoda, the pea-green guru with the pituitary problem.

The humans in both these films were pleasant enough, but they were only human, after all: too common. It was the creatures that moviegoers took to their hearts -- and wallets. And if my friend is right, and "Return" is even half as good as she predicts, there'll be new favorites flooding the market any day now.

So why not Lloyd the Wonder Animal?

You probably haven't heard of Lloyd the Wonder Animal before. That's OK -- he doesn't mind. He realizes that even Yoda was a nobody until his big break came. It's all a matter of being in the right place at the right time.

The other reason you probably haven't heard of Lloyd the Wonder Animal was that, until just a few minutes ago, there was no Lloyd the Wonder Animal. But then came the phone call from the well-placed friend and -- well, he simply appeared. Pretty wonderful, hey?

"What does Lloyd the Wonder Animal look like?" you're probably wondering. He's very flexible about this: He can be as big as he needs to be, or as small as the last bit of change in your pocket. He figures it pays to diversify. You want wide-angle outdoor shots? You've got 'em. You want closeups? He'll fit there, too. Mostly he's magenta.

What else? He walks with a slight limp (an old war wound he doesn't talk about.) He sounds like puffed wheat, has great screen presence and a grin that can melt Fort Knox. He speaks three languages, and is a quick study: The subject hasn't been invented that Lloyd the Wonder Animal can't learn, charm, eat or outrun.

His personal life is impeccable. No skeletons in ol' Lloyd the Wonder Animal's closet, nosiree. He works and plays well with others, as the saying goes, and -- he particularly wants me to point this out -- he may steal your heart, but he won't steal your scene.

That's the thing, really. Lloyd the Wonder Animal, he understands the ins and outs of the movie business, the egos and the timetables. He knows that George Lucas probably has this movie pretty well in the can by now, with top billing already worked out. So he's not looking for a major role. He figures that even a couple of minutes on-screen doing what he does best (or anything else Mr. Lucas wants him to do) and he's got lunch box, cape and bedsheet endorsements till the cows come home.

Get this: Lloyd the Wonder Animal is willing to do a walk-on, if that's what it takes. He's never done that for anybody. For that matter, if all else fails, he's authorized me to try to splice tiny glossies onto every copy of the film I can get my hands on. Lloyd the Wonder Animal knows the kind of money we're talking about here. It's megabucks -- so he's prepared to take some risks.

Did I mention yet that Lloyd the Wonder Animal does promotional tours? Schools, shopping centers, trade shows, Jaycee conventions -- you name it. You gotta love him.

I know I'm going out on sort of a limb here. Some people -- maybe even Mr. Lucas -- will think it's harebrained, but you never know until you try.

Anyhow, it's the kind of thing you do for a friend. The 10 percent is almost beside the point.

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